My niece had the same best friend in grade 1 and 2. This year she’s in grade 3 but her and the bff (best friend forever) are no longer in the same class. Naturally (owed to proximity), niece made a new bff. Old bff was not impressed and accused my niece and her new bff of only hanging out with her “when the Oreos come out” (apparently girl always brings Oreos to school, one could say, her Oreos bring all the girls to the yard). Long story short, teachers got involved, there was an intervention and my niece explained to the one teacher that to keep the peace, she will maintain both girls as best friends, “equally” (her words, not mine). Problem solved. Upon conclusion of the 411 (the story was told to me in great detail, I also stopped her frequently to ask questions for clarity), I told my niece that she will encounter a few of such challenges in friendships even when she’s in her 30s! She didn’t seem impressed.
Childhood friendships are complicated but adult ones are on another level. If you still have your childhood friends in your 30s/40s, you are a unicorn. I am of course, a unicorn. My oldest friend and I have been friends since we were in third grade. I can never talk about my childhood shenanigans without mentioning Lulu. We haven’t lived near each other since high school and years can go by without seeing each other but we can always pick up where we left off. Thank goodness for technology for bridging the gap. It’s not just a legacy friendship, it’s one that I’m happy to keep, maintain and still draw value from, even if it’s a simple “Hey, just checking up on you” text.
Psychologist and author of “The Friendship Blog”, Irene S. Levine defines a legacy friend as “a person you had a strong bond with in your past, but the friendship no longer has any currency in your life.” If you were to do a serious inventory on your friendships, how many of them would fall in this category? How many friendships in your life are simply deadweight you insist on holding on to because of the history you share? Letting go is hard but at some point, friends will drop one by one, not because of bad vibes but simply due to depreciation in currency value. It’s ok to let go or even simply keep the relations at social media level, occasionally commenting; “Yass girl” or “I see you, King” as a form of distant support. We still want them to do well, we wish them well, but we no longer have the energy to give them the love and maintenance they deserve. The older you get, the less time you have in general, which means less time for friends, which means, less friends.
In an interview (some quotes from which I've included in this post) on her latest book, “The Light We Carry”, Michelle Obama sits down with Oprah Winfrey to unpack topics addressed in the book. On friendship, Oprah says of Michelle’s large group of friends that “The only person I know with 12 good friends was Jesus…and then, one of them betrayed him.” It would be blasphemy for me to compare myself to our Lord and Saviour, so I’ll stick to a comparison to Michelle. Like Michelle (who happens to be my best friend – calling it into existence) I have many friends. I tend to make friends easily and I generally keep friends for a long time! In her book titled, “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness”, author and Friendship Expert, Shasta Nelson talks about the Frientimacy Triangle, a “tri-fold approach to embracing and deepening frientimacy by enhancing the positivity, consistency, and vulnerability in all our friendships.” It is only recently that I started to take stock of my friendships, and I’ve found following the triangle approach helps not only in evaluating friendships, but also how I can and need to show up as a friend.
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| "I collect and keep my friends throughout life." - Michelle Obama - |
As we grow, our lives and priorities change and so do our relations. Some friends become so successful, or famous, they can no longer take you with on the journey. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that people simply do not have the capacity to accommodate your friendship as they focus on battles that require more of their time and energy. Or maybe you are pushing to reach greater heights that require a different you. The climb can get steep and not even the toughest, with the strongest lungs will be able to make the summit with you. But just because a friendship has ended, doesn’t mean that that person didn’t have a positive impact in your life, your story together was simply written to only last a couple of seasons, not a lifetime.
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| "Lost oxygen. Couldn't make the climb." - Michelle Obama - on friends she lost when she became First Lady |
What I mention above is more geared towards letting go for reasons either than toxicity. Sometimes we’re forced to end friendships because they no longer serve us or are simply draining more than filling. Sometimes it’s a “slow ghost” and sometimes it’s an official breakup (oh, you think romantic heartbreak is bad, try breaking up with a friend! Where are the songs about that?). I’ve found my fault in this regard being lack of clear communication and boundaries. Instead of telling a friend, “Hey, I don’t like what you did, it made me feel like this,” in avoiding conflict I would carry it and carry it…and we all know what the straw did to the donkey’s back…I’ve learnt to take accountability for failed friendships cause as the saying goes, even when you think you’re the victim, you’re the villain in someone else’s story.
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| "You know the slow ghost? Where you don't cut them off right away but you just become less available?" - Michelle Obama - on letting certain friendships wind themselves down |
But just because you lose friends along the way, does not mean you cannot make new ones. Making friends in your adult years requires intention. Sometimes it’s a first date to see how things will go. Adult friendships require more effort than the teenage-to-early-twenties era. But we need friends, and so need to stay open to welcoming new people in. That support structure is so necessary. When I moved to New York back in 2021, a friend who was based in Dublin made a virtual intro to a friend of hers who was already living in New York. Out of courtesy, we set a date to meet and so met in downtown Manhattan where she was shopping for her partner’s birthday present. There was no getting to know each other, I just dove straight into “what does he like?” as I helped her search. It was just immediately comfortable. Our energies were in harmony. After that we joined some other friends of hers at a speakeasy. Everyone was so open, and we shared a lot of similar interests and concerns (some sharing their frustrations about the brutality of the NYC dating scene, especially for women). I went on to make other friends from that night. Another friend, Mpumi, slid into my DMs (yes, gents, this happens amongst us ladies quite a lot). She was planning to come up to visit her partner who lived in New Hampshire, so she asked me about Covid travel requirements (that era was a rough time for people in long distance relationships) and that’s how we started talking. We met up for the first time at a mutual connection’s apartment in Midtown. She (the connection) was hosting a couple of us on her rooftop (nothing beats a NYC rooftop). Mpumi and I sat diagonally across each other at a table and although there was a wider group discussion, her and I were having our own conversation. We had so much to talk about she said, “you know what, let me come sit next to you”. We’ve been friends ever since. My newest friendship was established a few months ago…so, Drake, do I have news for you about that one song!
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| "Stay open to friends.Be open to making new ones." - Michelle Obama - |
I can’t imagine life without my friends. My girls are my biggest cheerleaders but also hold me accountable; they are my free therapy and a great audience for my lame jokes! They check-up, show up and hold me down. I’m truly blessed.
So, in closing, I hope you are nourishing your friendships. I hope you are consistent in how you treat your friends, bring positivity into their lives and provide a safe space for them to be vulnerable. I hope you are being gentle with the ones you’re letting go and I hope you know that you’re never too old to make a new friend!
