The thing about quitting

I’d just finished my first year of my medical degree (I have lived many lives) but halfway through that same year I had applied and gotten accepted into the commerce faculty. I quit medicine for a future in corporate. My family’s dreams of having a doctor in our lineage were immediately ceased. As was the case with most of my December holidays as a teen, I spent the days at home either reading, watching movies or catching up with friends on MixIt (remember, remember?). One of the ongoing chats I was having was with a girl who was my junior in high school. She had just completed grade 12 and had been accepted to the same medical school I was exiting. Excited and anxious about her first year, we spoke at length about it, her asking me questions and me giving my expert advice with my almost one-year experience living the life she was about to embark on. One day she had an argument with her parents. That was the last conversation we had. The next day I got a call from a mutual friend that this girl, at 17 with a bright future ahead of her, had taken her own life. Even after all these years, every time I think about that young lady I can’t help but wonder how life would have turned out for them had they just held on. Fought the thought. Won the battle. Back then mental health was a non-existent concept so I couldn’t wrap my head around giving up your whole life, when everything (struggles included) but death is temporary. I’m a little better educated on it now but I’m no expert so this is by no means a write up about fighting the urge to take your own life. But for all it’s worth, if it ever comes to that, I beg you to fight it. It is always darkest before dawn. Things will get better. Don’t quit just yet. Not on your dreams, not on your career, not on love and most certainly not on your life.

How many times have you considered quitting a difficult situation only to find that years or even a few days later you found yourself thinking “hey, I survived that, I didn’t think I would but I did and now I’m here and I did it and I’m glad I didn’t give up”? At a dinner with friends recently, we spoke about the fine line between “knowing when to quit” and having a winner’s mentality, cause “winners never quit and quitters never win”. Which one is it though? If winners never quit, then are those who know when to quit by default considered losers?

The pattern I’ve noticed in my own life is that I usually want to quit at the beginning, which is silly cause how do you switch the car off before you even start the journey? When something is new and challenging, I always feel like I don’t want to do it because I hate feeling like I suck. In her book “Everything is Figureoutable” (if you know me, you’ll know that it’s only a matter of time before I reference a book) Marie Forleo says “don’t” means “won’t”, so you’re essentially not willing to make the effort. The thought of not making an effort is even more daunting to me than sucking so I end up pressing on, constantly fighting the urge to quit. Next thing, I’m getting better or the situation improves and that quitting feeling is drained of its battery life. Instead of feeling like a winner, the whole experience leaves me questioning whether I push myself too far and lack that wisdom of knowing when to quit. What I know is that that persistence is a true test of patience. I imagine quitting to be a cousin of patience. Life can get so frustrating when things don’t go according to plan. Nobody likes waiting. Waiting for something extraordinary to happen. For the dream job to present itself at your doorstep, for the day you find the love of your life, or get married, or have your first child, or till you graduate, or get promoted. What quitting does is that it cuts this waiting period short but without the results. The one thing quitting gives you is certainty - you quit the race half way - you definitely don’t cross the finish line. The question is, do you want to cross the finish line or not? The thing with quitting is that it’s not black or white. I think the most important thing is just to have a plan B when you do, otherwise you just have to stay the course and finish the race or in Dory’s words in Finding Nemo, “just keep swimming”.

Adult Friendships: Legacy, Letting Go and Making New Friends

 My niece had the same best friend in grade 1 and 2. This year she’s in grade 3 but her and the bff (best friend forever) are no longer in the same class. Naturally (owed to proximity), niece made a new bff. Old bff was not impressed and accused my niece and her new bff of only hanging out with her “when the Oreos come out” (apparently girl always brings Oreos to school, one could say, her Oreos bring all the girls to the yard). Long story short, teachers got involved, there was an intervention and my niece explained to the one teacher that to keep the peace, she will maintain both girls as best friends, “equally” (her words, not mine). Problem solved. Upon conclusion of the 411 (the story was told to me in great detail, I also stopped her frequently to ask questions for clarity), I told my niece that she will encounter a few of such challenges in friendships even when she’s in her 30s! She didn’t seem impressed.

 

Childhood friendships are complicated but adult ones are on another level. If you still have your childhood friends in your 30s/40s, you are a unicorn. I am of course, a unicorn. My oldest friend and I have been friends since we were in third grade. I can never talk about my childhood shenanigans without mentioning Lulu. We haven’t lived near each other since high school and years can go by without seeing each other but we can always pick up where we left off.  Thank goodness for technology for bridging the gap. It’s not just a legacy friendship, it’s one that I’m happy to keep, maintain and still draw value from, even if it’s a simple “Hey, just checking up on you” text.

 

 

Psychologist and author of “The Friendship Blog”, Irene S. Levine defines a legacy friend as “a person you had a strong bond with in your past, but the friendship no longer has any currency in your life.” If you were to do a serious inventory on your friendships, how many of them would fall in this category? How many friendships in your life are simply deadweight you insist on holding on to because of the history you share? Letting go is hard but at some point, friends will drop one by one, not because of bad vibes but simply due to depreciation in currency value. It’s ok to let go or even simply keep the relations at social media level, occasionally commenting; “Yass girl” or “I see you, King” as a form of distant support. We still want them to do well, we wish them well, but we no longer have the energy to give them the love and maintenance they deserve. The older you get, the less time you have in general, which means less time for friends, which means, less friends. 

 

 

In an interview (some quotes from which I've included in this post) on her latest book, “The Light We Carry”, Michelle Obama sits down with Oprah Winfrey to unpack topics addressed in the book. On friendship, Oprah says of Michelle’s large group of friends that “The only person I know with 12 good friends was Jesus…and then, one of them betrayed him.” It would be blasphemy for me to compare myself to our Lord and Saviour, so I’ll stick to a comparison to Michelle. Like Michelle (who happens to be my best friend – calling it into existence) I have many friends. I tend to make friends easily and I generally keep friends for a long time! In her book titled, “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness”, author and Friendship Expert, Shasta Nelson talks about the Frientimacy Triangle, a “tri-fold approach to embracing and deepening frientimacy by enhancing the positivity, consistency, and vulnerability in all our friendships.” It is only recently that I started to take stock of my friendships, and I’ve found following the triangle approach helps not only in evaluating friendships, but also how I can and need to show up as a friend. 

 

"I collect and keep my friends throughout life."
- Michelle Obama - 

 

As we grow, our lives and priorities change and so do our relations. Some friends become so successful, or famous, they can no longer take you with on the journey. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that people simply do not have the capacity to accommodate your friendship as they focus on battles that require more of their time and energy. Or maybe you are pushing to reach greater heights that require a different you. The climb can get steep and not even the toughest, with the strongest lungs will be able to make the summit with you. But just because a friendship has ended, doesn’t mean that that person didn’t have a positive impact in your life, your story together was simply written to only last a couple of seasons, not a lifetime.

 

"Lost oxygen. Couldn't make the climb."
- Michelle Obama -
on friends she lost when she became First Lady 
 

What I mention above is more geared towards letting go for reasons either than toxicity. Sometimes we’re forced to end friendships because they no longer serve us or are simply draining more than filling. Sometimes it’s a “slow ghost” and sometimes it’s an official breakup (oh, you think romantic heartbreak is bad, try breaking up with a friend! Where are the songs about that?). I’ve found my fault in this regard being lack of clear communication and boundaries. Instead of telling a friend, “Hey, I don’t like what you did, it made me feel like this,” in avoiding conflict I would carry it and carry it…and we all know what the straw did to the donkey’s back…I’ve learnt to take accountability for failed friendships cause as the saying goes, even when you think you’re the victim, you’re the villain in someone else’s story. 

  

"You know the slow ghost? Where you don't cut them off right away but you just become less available?"
- Michelle Obama -
on letting certain friendships wind themselves down

But just because you lose friends along the way, does not mean you cannot make new ones. Making friends in your adult years requires intention. Sometimes it’s a first date to see how things will go. Adult friendships require more effort than the teenage-to-early-twenties era. But we need friends, and so need to stay open to welcoming new people in. That support structure is so necessary. When I moved to New York back in 2021, a friend who was based in Dublin made a virtual intro to a friend of hers who was already living in New York. Out of courtesy, we set a date to meet and so met in downtown Manhattan where she was shopping for her partner’s birthday present. There was no getting to know each other, I just dove straight into “what does he like?” as I helped her search. It was just immediately comfortable. Our energies were in harmony. After that we joined some other friends of hers at a speakeasy. Everyone was so open, and we shared a lot of similar interests and concerns (some sharing their frustrations about the brutality of the NYC dating scene, especially for women). I went on to make other friends from that night. Another friend, Mpumi, slid into my DMs (yes, gents, this happens amongst us ladies quite a lot). She was planning to come up to visit her partner who lived in New Hampshire, so she asked me about Covid travel requirements (that era was a rough time for people in long distance relationships) and that’s how we started talking.  We met up for the first time at a mutual connection’s apartment in Midtown. She (the connection) was hosting a couple of us on her rooftop (nothing beats a NYC rooftop). Mpumi and I sat diagonally across each other at a table and although there was a wider group discussion, her and I were having our own conversation. We had so much to talk about she said, “you know what, let me come sit next to you”. We’ve been friends ever since.  My newest friendship was established a few months ago…so, Drake, do I have news for you about that one song!

 

"Stay open to friends.Be open to making new ones."
- Michelle Obama - 

 

I can’t imagine life without my friends. My girls are my biggest cheerleaders but also hold me accountable; they are my free therapy and a great audience for my lame jokes! They check-up, show up and hold me down. I’m truly blessed. 

 

So, in closing, I hope you are nourishing your friendships. I hope you are consistent in how you treat your friends, bring positivity into their lives and provide a safe space for them to be vulnerable. I hope you are being gentle with the ones you’re letting go and I hope you know that you’re never too old to make a new friend!